Is so weird sometimes. I am definitely not a model human.
I think a lot, which is my first problem. The second one is that I save that thinking for reflection. It seldom makes its way in before words or actions. Then, when the damage is done, I use thinking, thinking, thinking...like a shield. To avoid feeling. Tonight I tried meditating. To avoid thinking. It helps, sometimes. Sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I fall asleep. Tonight was a get-it-right kind of night, although the events that led up to said meditation weren't.
I sat there, and after a while I felt very heavy in my legs and very light in my body. After a while of just sitting there, trying to stay with the discomfort of feeling things. I have been reading Pema Chodron's Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change, which is like her Taking the Leap book very much. But I still like it. She clearly has a single primary message to deliver in this world, and it's one I need to listen to, so I don't mind reading it again. She talks about staying with uncertainty, learning what it has to teach us. Which, like many Buddhist teachings, is both very simple and very difficult. But it's only when I stay with it that I start to feel. How are we supposed to walk around on this earth heart so open? That seems like an invitation to the cold.
I want to bleed through the ends of my fingertips and pour my heart into this keyboard. But I can't do it, because the things in my heart are scary to me sometimes. Does everyone feel this way? Is that why being human is so weird? Because you're always thinking and never knowing?
By Orbital. It's one of those songs that is tied distinctly to a timespan. Flipping wax with friends. Angsting over a choice between good and better. This is one of the few times I can look back and say,with great satisfaction, that I made the right choice even when it was hard.
I got a $500 gas bill so...I'm keeping the house cold. My beautiful daughter is sleeping under a pile of blankets in her swing. You can tell it's cold in the house because even the cats are curled into compact little balls of fur.
I keep too many blogs so...my mind is kinda scattered across the internet. What of it isn't scattered, period.
In the past two days I've done enough cooking to last a month. That's the plan, anyway. An entire turkey, 4 loaves of bread, a batch of chocolate chip cookies, 18 packages of trail mix, 4 casseroles, potato soup, 24 pizza bagels and an omelette mix.
Today is filled with the odds and ends I didn't want to do that past two days.
Oh yes, PS. I'm moving back to COS in 2009. Chicago, I love you with all my heart, you've been wonderful. And now it's time to go where my people are.
This is me procrastinating writing some final papers. I was staring at Ari, watching her observe the wide world until she finally found her thumb and went to sleep.
And...I finally got that Skyguard mount in WoW. Nothing like a good long rep grind to make you wonder how Blizzard possibly managed to make the game so addicting even when parts of it are clearly, brutally boring. I once read an article in Wired on how companies were examining how they could use the principles that make MMO gamers do the same actions repeatedly for hours to acheive certain goals in the workplace. Here's what I think. (Yay, numbered list.)
1. Schedule Flexibility: The deal is that I can choose what kind of inane work I'm doing at any given moment. There's no such thing as deadline, so if I want to level my virtual fishing skill for 3 hours and then go farm cloth for 30 min, followed by a 2 hour break, followed by 4 hours of dungeon runs...I can do that. Not sure how practical that kind of work pattern would be in a job. 2. Scoring system: Everything I do in an MMO gets a score. Whereas in real life if I'm learning to knit, I don't get a skill-point every time I attempt to create an object. I don't have "faction rep" with my family or friends, or "XP gain" for going about my business. So, for me anyway, the gains IRL are less....defined, I suppose. Obviously much more rewarding being as RL>MMO but sometimes it's harder to see gains, therefore harder to stay motivated. 3. Prestige: This is what drives a lot of MMO achievements. I can be the one person on the server, or the first, with that really cool rare drop mount. Or, I can wear a cool title over my head demonstrating my incredible achievement. Can you imagine if we could walk around IRL with nameplates? What would mine say? Hannah, Champion of the Laundry Basket. Or maybe....Hannah, Destroyer of Dirty Dishes. 4. Social pressure: This is definitely applicable to RL. I will farm those mats for hours so I can make that epic armor so I can go to that dungeon and spend 5 hours listening to my guild leader yammer on in a raid (more dots! more dots! 50 dkp minus!), and be the best little shadowpriest I can. Then I will log off and go read priest forums and study the spell rotation for maximum damage so that I can be seen as "worthy DPS." Hell, I wouldn't have ever even kept playing my priest if I hadn't gotten into a guild that was determined that I should cap out so I could be their healbot. Sorry guys. 5. Lure of the Fantastic: Let's admit. Part of the reason I go out to Netherwing Ledge and complete the same stupid quests over and over again (kill this, gather that, loot this, plant that) is because at the end I know I will get to ride on a massive dragon whenever I want. If some job could find a way to offer me a dragon to soar through the skies on...I probably would do whatever kind of ridiculously boring work they had stored up until I got my prize.
So I dunno...I mean. Kudos guys for thinking of the idea. And clearly, there are perhaps lessons to be gleaned for the modern workplace. But I don't know if, ultimately, RL could = MMO.
In other news....in less than a week I will be in CO. I AM SO EXCITED.I COULD FALL OVER AT ANY MOMENT FROM THE HAPPINESS. I miss my people a whole lot out here in Chi-town. More since Ari. Sometimes I close my eyes and daydream about being able to stop up at my parent's house randomly for dinner or go grocery shopping with my mom or have tea with my Shanna or have a house with a yard or...well. Someday. Let's just say a lot of things I couldn't wait to get away from are now a whole lot more appealing. Till then I just do the best I can do out here, for great justice. No chance to survive, make your time.
Ok, enough procrastination. On to the working.
Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: Christine Lavin - Viagra in the Water
1. Don't have to be religious to be geniuinely spiritual. Duh, right? And here I was operating on the concept that not having a religion was just "fake New Age crap." Turns out it can actually be meaningful. Ha! 2. Just because I'm a mom and my head is full of Ari-things, doesn't mean I'm not still that girl that started this journal. She's not gone, but she's definitely different. 3. Love is all you need. Corny? Perhaps. But I think that's actually the secret meaning of life. Figuring out how to love. 4. Chocolate ice cream is the pinnacle of foodstuffs. Does that belong in a list of profound revelations? You bet it does. 5. I can't figure out if this journal means anything anymore, since I write in it knowing people will read and that invariably changes what and how I will write. So how about this. I will soliloquize in here about whatever is in my head and if you don't like it you can go eat some year old pocorn. I just want to give fair warning that sometimes my head is full of baby things. Again - definitely different. 6. That side of life. I said that, at breakfast with my good friend Patricia. "When you're on that side of life." (meaning with kids). As soon as it came out I felt like a snob. Patricia is a very dear friend to me. Most of my very dear friends have no children. I'm so sorry dear friends. I didn't mean to cross the line, I swear. (I was in the no sex-ed health class in high school...snicker) I wouldn't take it back but it means I'm gonna be in a different mode now. The best way I can describe it is like when you suddenly find yourself having a boyfriend and all your friends are single. It's wonderful. It's the latest step in your journey, it's important and all you want to talk about. You want them to have that happiness, too. But it means now there's this whole big piece you don't feel like you can share in the same way anymore and that makes it sad. 7. They arrested the gov of IL today for corruption. The last one was arrested for the same thing. This just confirms my belief that things done on large scales - including and especially government - are rife with potential for abuse. This doesn't mean that I'm an anarchist or that I say fuck you, USA. It just means that I realize it's a flawed institution, and it gets the same priority over my judgement as other flawed institutions. 8. It pisses me off when people don't vote. Just because it might be a corrupt system doesn't mean you shouldn't do what you can for great justice. The state of the world, the nation, is as much my responsibility as it is yours and that corrupt politicians. I do what I can to make it go the best way, and you should too, tyvm. 9. What's up with me and numbered lists, hmm?
I manage a SharePoint site, and have set up unique permissions for 70 distinct libraries. Sometimes, for reasons unknown to me, after having not touched the library permissions setup, my access will magically change. This access issue has been a recurring problem, and is the bane of my existence. Because I know it's not me screwing around with it.
This morning, I noticed that my rights levels were not correct for 2 libraries. This is immediately after someone on our Sharepoint team had been working in the live site. They weren't supposed to have touched these libraries, but who knows. One had been completely disabled, and the other had been downgraded so I was no longer "effective administrator" on it. I sent a message back to the gentleman requesting it fixed.
Please reflect on the conversation below and tell me who you think is having issues working in this system.
Me: I have no access to this library. Can you fix it? Him: Why don't you request access from the owner of the library? Me: But...I am the owner, and my access has been disabled. How can I grant access to myself if I cannot access the library to change permissions on the library...? Him: OK...why don't I request access from you, and you can grant me access so that I can grant you access.
- My crepe maker - Shrimp, hollandaise sauce and broccoli crepes - Ice cream (too much, I love you, oh ice cream!) - Making dinner with Aaron - New sewing machine - Satisfaction of a completed project - Bean flops (kicks, jabs, pokes and punches. Dance, baby, dance!) - Talking to family - Pretty, warm, Chicago summer (when it decides to happen, alors!) - Daydreaming about life in 3 months (tap, tap, tap...I'm so ready to start. Go, go! Hannah-approved go time!) - Waking up early...but only only weekends. ;) - Saturday morning breakfasts (I make the greatest Mickey-Mouse pancakes, ever.) - Tchaikovsky - Battlestar Galactica (GINO)...only a few episodes left....*sniff sniff* - Random bean trivia facts (eyes open this week! I wonder what color they'll be...) - Warm rain - Having a clean house. - Riding the train to work with Aaron in the mornings. Also that goodbye kiss and the wave as the train leaves (I get off first). - Creating things. - Clean inbox at work. Fewer than 25 items! Woo! - Good posture (not really optional unless I want to give myself a backache. ;)) - Long walks - String theory - Wondering about what the bean will be like when she arrives. Ooooo, baby I can't wait.
This pushes my buttons....some girl I work with passes my desk and she's all..."Hi there, Preggie!" It took me longer than 3 seconds to respond because I didn't realize she was referring to me. Since, you know...last time I checked, my name was HANNAH not PREGGIE. (Or Prego, or Pregnant Lady, or Mommy, or Mommy-to-be, or Little Mama, or any of 5,483 creative variations I've heard since I started showing).
Furthermore, this is someone who never particularly said hello before I was pregnant, so WTF does she see the need to start now? Hmm? I've noticed quite a rash of this behavior. I must appear less intimidating as a pregnant woman? Friendlier, perhaps? Let me assure you, neither is the actual case.
This falls into the same category of hate as people who touch my belly without asking permission. Like what, just because I have another little person in there, it's OK to violate her space bubble and mine? And what I want to know is - will those same people touch my baby without asking after she's born? Because I swear to all that's good and holy, if you reach for my child without letting me know, I will BREAK you.
Every Mother's Day, I have this ridiculous goal to make my Mom cry happy tears at least once. It's not hard. She's a softie.
But this year as I'm writing the message to go with her gift, I find myself thinking instead about my own daughter. And before I know it, I'm sitting at my desk (at work, no less!) trying to surreptitiously wipe away the happy tears rolling down my own cheeks.
I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, in some ways. :)
I'm pregnant! Woo! Suffice to say it has been a catalyst for a few major life changes. Here are some random observations:
1. On the element of surprise I won't say it what was on my schedule for 2008, it's not an unwelcome development, either. In fact, once I got over the initial "Oh my!", I was actually quite excited. In fact, I now worry that I have an unhealthy fixation. It seems that all my thoughts are now full of baby. That's probably what hormones do, hmm.
2. On carbon-filled death gas. Well I quit smoking. Obviously. This was the first change, enacted post-haste. Getting violently ill each time I had one/thought of one/smelled one definitely assisted with the process. Funny logic - I've been a long time clove smoker, and it's been my experience that after a certain point of smoking cloves exclusively, one does get a bit nauseated with them. Who knows why...perhaps a buildup of the wrong substance, or just the cherry syrup they put on the tip. But I ignored the nausea, thinking it would go away as it has in the past. Eventually I just cut back, smoked half, whatever. And then, I discovered I was pregnant. Suddenly it all made sense. So the habit I've been struggling to kick for years went away in approximately one week, with no aids other than morning sickness. Funny the changes it makes to your head, this pregnancy gig.
3. On the dance of shame. I do worry somewhat that not knowing I was pregnant for the first 8 weeks did something irreversible. However after much testing and a few ultrasounds, it looks like everything is developing normally down in there, so I feel much relieved. There is not such a terrible feeling in the world as the thought that you might have somehow unwittingly inflicted harm on someone who is entirely dependent on you for their well-being. How much folic acid did I not eat? What about that one time I went out for drinks with Patricia after work? The smoking, oh God, the smoking. But what! I live on a diet of caffeine and Top Ramen! Gasp. Etc. So, the feeling of relief at my 20-week ultrasound when the technician said it looked like everything was completely normal could be best described as the lifting of a 50 pound weight comprised entirely of guilt.
4. On tying the knot before stuffing the nest. But Hannah...you're not married yet. This has been a fun one. Sometimes it's just when random strangers ask me if my husband is excited about the baby. Other times it's the note in the end of a card from relatives I haven't spoken to in years saying that they hope the baby's father and I will consider marriage to create the kind of stable living environment a child needs (lol...like we weren't considering it). Maybe it's the fact that my grandmother won't talk to me about it, but asks my sister each time they speak if I've decided to get married yet. Actually, the truth of the matter is that the only people who aren't really bothered by it are us. And I say that somewhat with a grain of salt, because the fact that it bothers other people has been upsetting.
5. On the whys behind the lack of I dos. So here's the story, morning glory. Neither of us have been in a hurry to get married. Neither of us have felt like it changes much, or that it was something we particularly needed to prove or cement our relationship. Both of us live paycheck to paycheck at this stage, and funding a marriage ceremony with bells and whistles, or even just rice and cake, was pretty low on our priority list. I watched 27 Dresses last night, and thought it was cute. It's a movie about a perpetual bridesmaid who had always obsessed about weddings, in hope of hers. And it just made me think...that is so NOT me. To be completely honest, I've never given much more than passing thought to my potential wedding day, etc. A part of me wonders if this should be disappointing...? I mean...marriage...that's supposed to be the culmination of the Barbie fantasy, right? What little girls play dolls about. Grow up. Find Ken. Get married. It's not that I'm averse to the idea, I'm sure it would be a nice time. It's just never been in the forefront, until now. Maybe I'm an ungirl.
6. On how having a child is a good way to apply pressure to make love legal. So, I would be a liar if I said I didn't give it more thought now than I used to. A part of me objects to that on principle, but non-grounded objections hold less weight for me these days. It is what it is. Obviously, we both realize that marriage is now more of a priority for practical reasons. Health insurance, life insurance, tax benefits, etc. And yes, it's difficult to face the day sometimes knowing that some people will give our relationship (including its capacity to create a stable home environment) less credibility. But at the end of the day, that's their problem, not ours. It will come when it's time. We'll likely do a small legal affair for practical and safety reasons before I deliver. I still feel no need to rush the bells and white cake. Because, to me, it's the little everyday nice items that mean eventually growing old together. :)
7. On girls outvoting the boys, 2-1. It's a girl! We are both absurdly happy over this. The strangest part was that we pretty much knew that's what we were going to end up with. Call it intuition, if you will. How no boy names ever sounded like they'd be right. Or the way all those wives-tales-tests pointed to F. Or maybe just wishful thinking made it so, since we both wanted one so much. Hooooraayyy!! :D I am so excited I could explode. Just thinking and dreaming about having a daughter, and all the terrible and wonderful joys that come with that. I wonder sometimes if my own mom still feels this way about my sisters and I. A natural camaraderie and understanding, an excitement to share the wonderful world of femaleness. A baby girl. I'm completely entranced.
8. On how Ice cream is my newest favorite food. Ok so...I'm having to pause this journal post to get ice cream, because I can't take it anymore. Oh Baskin Robbins! Oh mint chocolate chip! Sweet, delicious, cold and creamy. An ode to thee, ice cream.
9. On what we call it, legume nicknames aside. Good question. Funny how my entire list of "names I would call a daughter some day" was whittled away in the process. I think, after many heated debates about how this or that name would make her life as a first grader...we are looking a potential winner. Arianna Soleil. I hope she looks like she fits the name. Otherwise, we're going to have to call her Bean until further notice. :-S
10. On the coolest part of pregnancy. Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are pretty cool about being pregnant. But the greatest sensation in the world is feeling the baby kick and squirm. Aaron got to feel it too, for the first time, this weekend. It's completely indescribably wonderful. Just, a concrete reminder that a little human being is down there. Growing, stretching, doing somersaults, feeling playful or sleepy or reacting to her parents' voices. Dear Bean, I have loved you since before I ever saw your face. You've done things to me I didn't think possible. :) I can't wait to make your acquaintance outside the womb.
From the chapters of "You know you're a nerd when...."
Excerpt, Ch 13: When RL conversations about RL things happen between two people in the same room over IM, in WoW terminology.
[21:49] Me: WTB tea and yogurt [21:49] Me: 20g [21:49] Me: PST [21:49] Him: 45g [21:49] Me: /wrists [21:49] Me: i only have like...26g on my main right now [21:50] Me: /emocry [21:50] Him: WTS tea and yogurt 45G PST [21:50] Me: /beancry [21:50] Him: WTS tea and yogurt 45G PST [21:50] Me: /w Him Hi, I see you have tea and yogurt for sale on the AH for 45g. If you don't get any other buyers, can I offer you 20g?  Him: WTS tea and yogurt 45G PST  Me: /w Him Fucking Chinese Farmer  Me: /w Him I'm totally reporting you  Him: /1 Hail Traveler! Have you come from far way lands in search of adventure only to find you're wallet empty! Have no f3ar. Visit http://g0WoWG0ld.orG for all your MMO gold needs! Instant delivery to your in-game MAilbOX!  Me: *This user has ignored you and will not receive any messages from you. To file a complaint, please contact Blizzard at 800-we-care